My husband is an early riser.  Therefore my husband goes to bed early.  Very early.  He starts turning off lights somewhere around 9:30 and heading upstairs to bed.  He will watch television for a while but the majority of nights he is definitely asleep between 10 and 10:30 p.m.  This applies to weekends and weekdays alike.  On very rare occasions does he stay up until 11:30 and honestly Midnight is only seen on very special occasions.  Most nights I follow to bed later.  I do not have the biological alarm clock that my husband has. I do have the ability to sleep in a bit later if necessary or appropriate. 

As my two oldest have grown, we have found that they stay up beyond us.  Especially on weekends.  I have always found it a bit unsettling that we go to bed prior to them.  My parents were always awake beyond me, watching late night television.  Only on very rare occasions were they in bed before me.  It seems appropriate to me that the adults would remain awake to oversee their home and make sure their children were in their own beds prior to retiring themselves.  But with my husband’s early to bed early to rise nature, that has not been the case.

This is not something that I particularly enjoy.  I don’t like heading up the stairs prior to my children being settled for the evening.  Even though they are teenagers, I still like the feeling that I keep watch over my flock until they have taken to their beds for the night.  I don’t need to know what they are doing – I just like to know that they have settled before I am able to do so myself.  Perhaps it is just a maternal clock that ticks inside of me.

Like I said, most nights I do stay up a bit later.  The kids may be working on homework or watching some television into those later hours – but the house is relatively calm.  I can feel the decompression of the stress from the day.  It is as if there is a giant exhalation taking place.  The atmosphere changes significantly. Lights are dimmed. Television volume is lowered. The pets have taken to curling up in restful positions.  There is no longer a rush for food or conversation.  The activities of the day have come to a close and though the teens are awake it is a much different environment.

I have found that these are my favorite moments to engage with them.  It appears to be a time that we can converse about various topics – each in a calmer more focused state – and we tend to “hear” each other better. Dialogue is free and the tolerance level high. 

These are the times that my teens will approach me with things THEY are interested in sharing.  It’s not a time that I question them or even decide to take up any kind of significant topic – but they will.  They want to share something that may have happened at school.  Something that might be on their mind that they would like to bounce off of me.  Sometimes this is when they approach me to have a conversation about my parenting, my discipline as well.  Questions they may have about a rule or boundary that I have set.  But the approach is completely different that it would have been earlier in the day.  It is softer.  Well thought.  Respectful.  I am willing to listen and have a conversation and I find that I am more apt to “hear” what they are saying and possibly give them the benefit of the doubt that I wouldn’t have before.

The other night my husband and my two youngest children had gone upstairs to bed.  It was somewhere in the 10 pm timeframe.  Son #1 was in the basement still working on homework.  He came upstairs to use the computer.  He was doing some recreational reading.  He appeared to just be quietly piddling around the house.  He would float in and out of the family room where I was sitting and Son #2 was laying on the couch next to me.  Son #1 would drop in and share a tidbit of information about his life – Son #2 would briefly comment.  I would interject something and then Son #1 would meander out.  Son #2 held the remote control to the television and put on Doogie Howser and Happy Days.  Television shows that he knew I would enjoy and is looking to make that connection with me in a simplistic way.  (Those types of shows are good for families.) He was talkative in a friendly manner despite the earlier clash of the day.  He rubbed me with his toes in an affectionate manner and cuddled with his beagle. 

You are probably thinking that there was nothing very interesting about that evening.  You are right.  And that is what makes it so incredibly perfect.  Raising teens can be very a volatile and emotional time.  There are clashes and issues.  Stress can devour your relationship.  However, nearly every evening in my home has the ability to transpire into the above scenario – if given the opportunity.

That time spent with my teens late at night is crucial for us.  When our children are young, as adults we are in a big hurry to get to that bedtime when we can have “alone time.”  But with adolescence there is a transformation that takes place.  They stay up later.  Sometimes when the day has been difficult (which are plentiful during those teenage years) it is easy to want to go to your room and decompress.  To escape from the know-it-all attitudes that emit from our teens.  To avoid any further confrontations or arguments that could be brewing.  But I have found that those special hours very rarely head down that path.  Those hours are as if the world was stripped away and the only thing to focus on is each other in those moments. 

I’ve had poignant conversations with my children during those hours.  I’ve sat in silence while we watched The Andy Griffith Show.  We've had discussions about college and girls.  We’ve talked about dinner meals they would like to have.  We’ve talked about past vacations.  I wish that my husband was a participant in that time.  I have tried to tell him that it is important that he not retreat so early, that our kids are looking for our company and that later evenings and nights are the best time to interact because... 

We speak softly.

We feel genuinely.

…We need that desperately.