I have arrived at a crossroads in my blogging.
I have been having trouble sitting down and putting words down. Mostly because it involves my children and I feel like they deserve more privacy as they are working their way through life.
I have questioned how fair it is for me to publish their trials and tribulations to the world. After all, I am pretty sure I wouldn't want mine broadcasted. But whether or not I do - is my own decision. If I write about my kids it isn't their choice.
I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to embarrass them. I don't want them to draw conclusions or make an inference about my feelings for them based on what I blog.
I think as they grow older I owe them that courtesy, don't I? To respect their privacy.
So I am becoming a bit more selective in what I choose to write about. Because I love my children and I don't want to harm them or the relationship that I have with them.
I want them to continue to trust me. Because a child should always be able to trust their mother. I can't think of any thing more detrimental to a child than the loss of that trust.
I need to be their confidante. Their biggest fan. Greatest protector. Singer of praises. Corrector of bad choices. I do want to share this journey with you. Many of you have reached out and told me what an encouragement this blog has been for you as you parent your own real life.
As I sit here writing this - I realize that our life as a family - well at least the family we've been for the past 17 years is also at a crossroads. I think this is actually where this feeling inside me is stemming.
It starts small and seems innocent enough.
Rather than being home for the family evening dinner, someone will stop and eat out because he isn't in the mood for what I am fixing.
A new driver in the family wants to drive separately from the family to the destination we are all headed.
Our emerging adolescent decides that he doesn't quite believe some of the things that our church is teaching.
Then suddenly I realize that that chair is often empty at the dinner table.
I am reconsidering our "vehicle situation" at home - after all, do we really need an SUV that holds that many people when most of the time he isn't riding with us as the family? Perhaps it is time to downsize.
I am determining whether I will allow him to venture out and find his own church rather than dress and attend services as a family each Sunday.
Life as I have known it as a parent - as a family - as OUR family - is changing.
But what is it evolving into?
It is a definite time of transition. Preparing for when they will no longer be part of our family unit as the constant entity. They become extended.
The difficult part is that they are hovering between the layer of family and independence. They don't really belong wholly to one place.
It is certainly messing with this mom.
Are you in or out of my nest?
Not knowing is awkward.
You see, inside my nest - it's easy. It's my nest. I take care of you. It is my sole purpose in life.
Outside of my nest - it is clear. You take care of yourself. Though I am always here to visit.
But clearly, right now they pop in and out.
They drop down to the ground and peck around a bit.
I keep my eye on them. Hoping no harm comes. While I wait for them to eventually fly away...
I'm not loving this part at all.
It's a new role that I've never played.
Suddenly someone has yelled "ACTION" -
And I didn't even get a dress rehearsal.
"We had no knowledge that our lives had just changed. You seldom sit at a crossraods and know it's a crossroads. But from the ovation forward, my life was not going to be the same." ~ Alex Raffe