I've never been good at making decisions.
It's just not my forte.
I have too much sensitivity and compassion to feel things on all sides.
All of the emotions.
All of the people affected by a decision.
My idea of making a decision is polling every friend and family member about their opinion until eventually by some ultimate wave of the universe's wand the decision has been made.
I have learned that life is one continual decision-making process.
One event into the other.
Ever changing scenarios to consider.
Grass is always greener.
The past an easy place to dwell.
The future somewhere to stretch and leap.
Well it is the grandest of the decision making jobs.
It takes the cake.
For years and years - day in and day out - all day long.
What should I do?
What should we do?
Shall we do this?
How will this turn out?
What if I choose that?
It's all speculative.
Make a decision.
Hold your breath.
Wait to see how it turns out.
When the kids are little, decisions are little.
When the kids are bigger, decisions are bigger.
So are the outcomes.
All to have them one day point their finger at me.
Because ultimately who held the final say?
Right now I am in several struggles of decision making involving all of my kids.
The past several weeks have brought choices and open doors to each of my children.
I could poll the world for the answers - but eventually that no longer provides a true solution.
I have found myself paralyzed with indecision lately.
In the midst of all of these choices and decisions, our family has been thrust into a true crisis.
A family member has become critically ill.
With that realization - all of those decisions that seemed so difficult can become very clear.
Life is short.
Even if you live 100 years -- short.
There is just never enough time to do all that there is to do.
To love the people to the extent you would prefer to love them.
To make all of the choices before you and experience all that life has to offer.
I am learning that you need to keep moving.
Don't stand still.
Not for a minute.
Make a choice.
Right or left.
Yes or No.
Backward or Forward.
Just make a choice and keep moving.
Because as I am experiencing right now -
one day there could be no more choices - other than the ones made for you.
I am watching my mother in law suffer.
I am watching my father in law suffer.
I am watching my husband suffer.
Each of them unable to choose the option that they would prefer.
Because it is not being offered.
The choices are crummy.
I watch the family make choices for my mother in law.
Because right now she is unable.
What is it that she would want?
Because right now the choices are not hers to make.
While submerged in this crisis -
I look outside at the awaiting parental decisions hovering over me.
Colleges. Schools. Sports. Careers. Scholarships.
Right now all I can think is -
How blessed are we to have choices when we do?
To be granted the ability to make a decision at all.
Because one day - the hourglass will run out.
Sooner for some.
Later for others.
But today I am reminded that eventually there is no longer a choice.
You learn to live with what you've got.
And sometimes that is not much.
So while our family deals with this crisis -
To my kids I say:
Be all that you are capable of being, while you are capable of being it.
Remember the past.
Hope for the future.
But live in the now.
Don't let a minute pass you by that you aren't making the most of your gifts.
Don't be paralyzed by the what ifs.
Or the fear that it is the wrong decision.
Because if it doesn't work out -
and yet again.
Until the day you are able to choose no more.
"Life is the sum of all your choices." ~Albert Camus